I'm going through a hard time right now. So many feelings and emotions. I want to make sense of things and figure out how to fix things. Unfortunately this is one of those situations where I am powerless and I need to accept that things are the way they should be at this moment.
It happens all sort of different ways. Maybe you meet them when you're young and in high school or perhaps at work after you're a little older. Sometimes it takes time to develop and other times it's love at first site. That's how it was for me.
Almost exactly 15 years ago I met the person I believe to be my soulmate. It was May 25, 1995. I can't believe I still remember that date. The moment I saw him I knew there was something special about him. And somehow everything else just faded away....and it stayed that way. Our relationship wasn't a romantic one right away. We were both shy and maybe a little scared to reveal how we really felt, but our friendship grew. Many of my "firsts" were experienced with him. I kind of learned how to grow up with him.
Throughout the years we've come in and out of each other's lives. Sometimes I think of him as my Jenny if I were Forrest Gump. In a way he's a free spirit kind of like Jenny. Maybe he doesn't always make the best decisions but he has a huge heart and means well.
A little over two years ago we finally gave it a shot and decided to see each other in a romantic way. Unfortunately I was not in a good space at the time. I was working at a place where I was very unhappy and stressed out and I took it out on him. We basically lashed out at each other and it didn't end well. On Christmas day we parted ways. Looking back I know it was for the best. Soon after that I found sobriety which I don't think I could have done if I were dating someone. I also left that job, but I knew that there would be no one like him to fill that space. I decided not to date again and just focus on me and figuring myself out.
Last December he contacted me again. I was so confused and didn't know what to do. Should I talk to him again? What did he want? Did he just want to be my friend or did he want more? What did I want? We decided take things slow and see if we could be friends again, but it didn't take long for things to progress and for the last five months we shared some amazing moments. I had my best friend back. Unfortunately not everything went perfectly. There was no happily ever after. As time goes on we tend to accumulate a collection of experiences and issues that affect the way we behave and how we treat the people around us. Well, we both have 30 years of that baggage. And although I don't believe that our bad behavior is aimed at each other on purpose, it tends to manifest itself in that way. Once again we have parted ways.
Since this happened so recently I am still in a state of depression. All I see is a dark cloud all around me and I feel very alone. I know life will go on and the pain will be lessened, but that is no comfort to me right now. In my whole life I have never felt for anyone else anything remotely close to what I feel when I think of him.
I believe that there is something to that old Greek story about humans originally having four arms, four legs and one head with two faces and that Zeus split them in half, condemning them to spend their lives searching for each other. I feel that when you come across that person you just know it. You can't explain it, but you can feel it.
Unfortunately life is not like a movie. It seems that in the movies the story ends when you find the person. Like that was the whole point. Just to find them. But what happens after that? How do you keep it together and not ruin everything with your crazy habits and the goings on of the fast paced world we live in?
Sometimes I wish that they would invent something like in that movie The Timer. In this movie there was a device you could get installed that would tell you when you were supposed to meet your soulmate. When you finally came across that person both of your timers would go off. That way you could know that everyone else that you met before that wasn't really the one for you. That way you would know for sure before getting invested in someone who would break your heart.
Or maybe something like in the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind where you can erase a person and all of your experiences with that person from your memory.
People have often said (myself included), that they would not change anything in their past because the person they are is made up of all their experiences. To change their past would be to change who they are. But feeling the way I feel right now I don't think that would be so bad. How can you miss someone if you don't know they exist?
